A S H Smyth

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On the body of a man who committed suicide in the canal at New Gravel Lane, Stepney, a hospital card was found marked “delusions”.’

— The Nelson Evening Mail, January 6 1909

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The new Norwegian Bible translation is by no means a rush job.

Gieves & Hawkes is the cheapest Top 10 London tailor. Prices start around £800.

Sri Lanka’s Batatotalena cave temple, in which the Buddha is believed once to have rested, contains a mural incorporating the British royal coat of arms.

It is empirically improbable that everybody was kung fu fighting.

Les Miserables contains a sentence that is 823 words long.

Natalie Imbruglia’s late-’90s single ‘Torn’ was apparently a cover.

Writing the word ‘Adult’ on the cover of a children’s colouring book makes a cheap alternative to expensive adult colouring books.

China’s longest bridge is longer than America’s six longest bridges all together.

In the first test between England and the West Indies at Edgbaston in 2017, 19 West Indian wickets fell on day three.

Shostakovich was afraid of prostitutes and janitors.

The ruler of Egypt once gave Charles X of France a giraffe. It walked to Paris with an antelope.

Pukka Pies don’t compromise.

For the last twenty years of his life Rudolf Hess was the only inmate of the Spandau Prison.

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From the deepest pit we may see the stars.

— The Nelson Evening Mail, August 28 1906

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Armadillos are incapable of irony.

Greek prostitutes bill their clients in six-minute units.

One of the stars of early-Nineties cult TV show Twin Peaks was called Suburbis Polaski.

It is rarely useful to have studied Latin.

A ‘wineglassful’ is an official unit of measurement among apothecaries.

The youngest woman to achieve the title of Grandmaster of chess was India’s Humpy Koneru. Her first name is a contracted form of ‘champion’.

It is difficult to dry your hair in a Dyson Airblade™.

Children blink about 5 million times a year.

Vegetal, celery-like, ham-like, or soapy flavours are inappropriate.

There are only 25 real tennis courts in the UK, and 45 worldwide.

A car for sale in Nelson, New Zealand, probably won’t be bought after it burst into flames during a test drive.

Call The Midwife‘s Helen used to be afraid of Trevor Nunn.

In China, eggs are cooked in the urine of young boys.

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There are more fragrant white flowers than of any other colour.

— The Nelson Evening Mail, July 13 1908

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The inhabitants of Ipswich are the least passionate in the UK, having sex on average only 18 times per annum.

Gazelles are quite amenable to snuff.

Russian composer Dmitri Shostakovich was a fully-trained football referee and tennis umpire. His (third) wife was a qualified lift operator.

The human heart is an abyss that is impossible to predict.

There is a special place in the afterlife for people who place the winning bids on eBay and then decide they don’t want the stuff after all.

The traditional vodka-drinking number is three people.

French mineralogist Déodat-Guy-Sylvain-Tancrède Gratet de Dolomieu wrote a pioneering work of geological theory in the margins of a Bible.

Great Portland Street is not, in fact, all that impressive.

The Assassination of Jesse James recouped only half of its production budget.

Some people see each other for the first time in Aberystwyth.

If you say ‘Yankees’ in class, it’s a swear.

James IV of Scotland once marooned two children on an island to see if they would learn to speak in tongues.

15% of people find literature too difficult to understand.

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A lady of limited means residing in the country says that her garden clothes herself and her daughter.

— The Nelson Evening Mail, August 31 1906

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There is a typo in Punjabi birth certificates.

Since January 2013, a Russian cruise ship has been drifting unmanned in the North Atlantic.

Toxic trolls are pushing Vicky and Ferne too far.

Jan Ladislav Dussek is the fattest composer on records.

The 50^th Annual Spring Lunch of the Concrete Society (London & South East Region) will be held this Friday at the KIA Oval. Tickets £90+VAT.

Richard Dawkins’ real first name is ‘Clinton’.

In the 1600s, some doctors recommended their patients fart in jars to help treat exposure to the bubonic plague.

Only one person can make instant coffee at a time.

In sudden leaps the flexible tiger appears.

A Melchizedek holds the equivalent of 40 standard bottles of wine.

Reasons for admission to the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum (1864-1889) included ‘bad whiskey’, ‘masturbation for 30 years’, and ‘novel reading’.

Every Mother’s Day needs a Mother’s Night.

Americans do not have kettles.