A S H Smyth

. The barnacles are scraped off British men-of-war twice a year..5 — The Nelson Evening Mail, Thursday, September 6 1906 . Wicca is the fastest-growing religion in the UK after Islam. The Dutch term for a sex buddy is ‘seksbuddy’. George I and his prime minister conversed officially in dog Latin. Irish 6th-formers know what The Communist Manifesto is […]

. The Paris Louvre is in future to be guarded by watch-dogs. — The Nelson Evening Mail, Monday, July 13 1908 . The human population has almost doubled since we landed on the Moon. Genital preferences are transphobic. The third umpire will have the final say on the snatch. It is against the rules to take a […]

. John Stow, author of the Survey of London, was rewarded by James I with a licence to beg. — The Nelson Evening Mail, Friday, August 17 1906 . In Germany, young ladies have no sex. ‘Silver Billy’ Beldham was blond, and is said to have fathered 39 children. Thom Yorke’s left eye is made […]

. The average salary of professors at Dublin University is £530. — The Nelson Evening Mail, March 14 1907 . Wherever there is a fire that ravages everything in its path, the protea is the first thing to regenerate. Clive James once voluntarily interviewed the Spice Girls. Manchester has become ‘Womanchester’. Cineworld has landed in […]

. Stocks were first used in England about 1359 A.D.. — The Nelson Evening Mail, January 18 1907 . Women leaders are more volatile than men. The cause of alcoholism is unknown. They’re selling hippy wigs in Woolworths. In Togoloese, ‘fofo’ means ‘revered big brother’. White people, lacking community, must make do with property. If extortionate fares […]