A S H Smyth

. The diamond, in sufficient heat, will burn like a piece of charcoal. — The Nelson Evening Mail, Saturday, November 17 1906 . Podcasts will soon be like porn. The first three volumes of TS Eliot’s letters have been remaindered. Confidence travels. The door is a jar. Roken is dodelijk. Humans’ rubbish is the filthiest stuff […]

. The Paris Louvre is in future to be guarded by watch-dogs. — The Nelson Evening Mail, Monday, July 13 1908 . The human population has almost doubled since we landed on the Moon. Genital preferences are transphobic. The third umpire will have the final say on the snatch. It is against the rules to take a […]

. John Stow, author of the Survey of London, was rewarded by James I with a licence to beg. — The Nelson Evening Mail, Friday, August 17 1906 . In Germany, young ladies have no sex. ‘Silver Billy’ Beldham was blond, and is said to have fathered 39 children. Thom Yorke’s left eye is made […]

. Leather trunks were used in Rome as early as the time of Caesar. — The Nelson Evening Mail, Friday, September 28 1906 . Tilda Swinton has been elected leader of the Liberal Democrats. The Beatles’ Magical Mystery Tour began outside a kebab shop in Kent. The complete works of James Joyce are available for £0.75. ‘Twirly’ […]

Of gypsies, greys, and Copehill Down. — For Queen Mob’s Tea House